Professional Horoscopes

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Over the weekend, I was able to channel the spirit of celebrated TV personality and astrologer Ms. Cleo. Here are the futures she revealed to me.

Either that, or I had some bad fish.

Aries- A mysterious message will appear on your voicemail instructing you to come to an undisclosed location by 7pm. You will arrive at location X, only to realize it was your wife calling you home to dinner.

Taurus- Later this week, you will be surprised to receive a bill for 7 yard sticks, a disco ball, trip wire, and 33 lbs. of mutton meat. You will be even more surprised when you realize that Harold, you’re automated voice answering machine, made the call…

Gemini- While working overtime late one night, you will slip into a caffeine-induced hallucination. As a strapping young Charlton Heston, you will trespass through an “Office of the Apes”. After crying out “Get your hands off me you damn dirty attorney!”, you will awake later that week with your work completed and the acclaim of your coworkers.

Cancer- Swamped with work, you will forget your own birthday. Even after having been given this knowledge.

Leo- Your month-long feud with the fax machine will end very violently, and suddenly, when you pay off a few of the interns to “fix the glitch”.

Virgo- Gemini is in the 7th house and is two full cycles below the moons of Jupiter… which means absolutely nothing for you. Get back to work!

Libra- You will soon celebrate your very lucrative contract with Yoko Ono. Be forewarned though, by year’s end she will have successfully infiltrated your office.

Scorpio- A chilling feeling will descend down your spine when you complete a TPS report, and find you actually liked doing it.

Sagittarius- The bus driver you affectionately refer to as Big Bertha is planning a trip to Mexico and she needs company. Buckle your seat belt, there will be no blackberry (or bathroom) breaks!

Capricorn- Your paralegal will confuse legal forms in the near future. What once was a simple bankruptcy case suddenly means your application has been accepted to host an Austrian youth orchestra for 3 weeks this October. Well, at least you like the sound of amateur trombone. Oh wait– you hate the sound of amateur trombone… #$%&!!

Aquarius- Law school never taught you how to wrestle lions, cook a pot-roast, or make a website. Your practice will depend on your ability to do all three this week.

Pisces- You will spend the rest of the foreseeable future courting a pair of miserable, young clients not willing to make any compromises. You will put in long hours and late nights managing their unexpected tantrums, never-ending demands… and dirty diapers. Oh, and your professional life will be busier than ever.

Don’t like your horoscope? There’s only one solution… Get a better Work~Life balance!

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